He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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