If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
