I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
me + whiskey = a bad person
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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