Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
