I wish I could punch you in the face.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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