So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
