Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
there is glitter all over my balls
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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