I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
