I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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