You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
