my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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