I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
