I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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