she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
