I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
