capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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