I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
