There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
