My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Too much gin, very little bucket
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize
