How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
