The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am midnight drunk by noon
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
