Just fell off a train. Bad.
Do you still have your period?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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