I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
