oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
