I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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