When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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