im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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