Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
