What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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