Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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