the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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