i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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