Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
