My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
