I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
