I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have feelings that need drinking.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
