She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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