Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
