Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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