captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm bleeding and have questions
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