How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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