i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
