You can't special order awesome
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
i out mim tonsoeep
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