Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
