You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
