just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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