Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
