I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Actions speak louder than pants.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
