onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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