Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
