Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
