If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
How's work?
Spinning.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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