her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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