there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
the liver wants what the liver wants
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
