I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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