I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
